We all know someone (or are someone) who always ends up falling for the wrong people. Every girlfriend turns out to be a manipulative psycho, or every guy you meet ends up treating you like shit.
This is a common pattern you see over and over again. But then again, there’s also a lot of people who don’t seem to have it.
What are these people doing differently?
Are they just lucky to be born the type of person that’s attracted (or attractive) to nice people instead of douchebags?
And if you currently feel like you’re doomed to end up with the wrong person every time, what can you do to change it?
The Tolerance Factor
This first step may seem obvious, but it’s worth mentioning any way.
As long as you tolerate people who treat you like shit, they will continue to do so. Other people will also notice that you’re the kind of person they can fuck with, so more and more of these types will enter your life.
This has to do with self-respect. If you repeatedly tolerate things like people bringing you down in front of others and emotional manipulation (or worse, physical violence), people will not respect you. Why would they? If you -who know yourself through and through- don’t even respect yourself?
It’s important to mention here that “not tolerating” this behavior is not the same as starting a fight about it. If someone treats you bad, and all you do is get angry or punish them, it usually will happen again.
Not tolerating something means not allowing it into your life (quick side note here, that also means not allowing that behavior from yourself towards others ? otherwise you’re still tolerating it). If you’re dating someone and they show no respect for you, simply tell them you don’t want that in your life and break things off immediately. Make this a consistent rule. It’s not just a dating thing. It’s a people thing.
There’s 7 billion people in the world. A huge percentage of those people are positive, friendly, nice people to have around that do nothing but make your life more beautiful. Why waste even one more day of your short life hanging out with the opposite of that?
If you find that this is hard for you to put into practice, there can be a couple of explanations:
• Maybe you are suffering from a victim mindset and subconsciously look for villains in your life.
• Maybe you are addicted to the stimulation of the drama (it’s not common, but I do know a few people who have it)
Both are linked to the second part of this post:
Why Are You Attracting These People In Your Life?
Why is it always you that ends up with these people and not your friends?
There’s 2 reasons for this. And luckily, they also hint on how to fix things.
First of all, you always attract the people and situations into your life that can teach you the lessons you currently need to learn for your own development as a person.
However, when you fail to learn the lesson, life will keep serving it to you over and over. Until you finally stop hitting your head against that door and choose to walk through it instead.
Secondly, we usually attract people who are roughly at our level of self-esteem.
This statement may offend some people. Because it’s not always fun to get yourself compared to someone who makes your life miserable. But it’s still true. The people around you are a mirror for yourself.
For one person their lack of self-esteem may express itself in the form of trying to please the other person, while the other may resort to aggression or emotional manipulation. And that can make them seem like two totally different issues. But the underlying mechanism is the same:
Deep down you believe that the other person would not stay with you just for who you are. So you try to make sure you’re the perfect partner for them. You sometimes watch your words when you’re around them. And you do everything you think deep down will make stay. (Or you just threaten to slash their tires and set the dog on fire if they would ever leave you.)
How to Make Sure You Don’t Attract Jerks Again
For starters, ditch any behavior that’s specifically aimed at getting people to like you.
Stop trying to act differently around people you’re attracted to. When you catch yourself asking someone what to answer to their text, wondering how you can “get sex from them” or how you need to behave to make them happy, stop it. They have to be attracted to you. So who you are is all you should be. Any other thing will add unnecessary stress and unhappiness. Also stop thinking that everything they do is for a reason. Or that they mean some other thing than what they are saying. This will only keep you in the same “manipulation mindset”.
Second: Recognize that the source of your misery is not other people.
These people are not making your life miserable. Their behavior is their responsibility. But you are the one who chose to have them in your life in the first place, and that’s yours. You can learn the lesson and avoid manipulative or unfriendly people from now on, but that’s only half the battle.
The best thing you can do to stop this from happening is to stay alone for a while and work on yourself first. Learn to be okay with yourself in solitude. Focus on raising your self-esteem. Becoming happy on your own. Learning to give and receive love.
Because if what goes around really comes around, the only way to finally end up with the kind of person you deserve, is becoming that kind of person yourself.