Ever had the sense that life is trying to show you something and there’s no avoiding it?

This seems to be a recurring thing for me: That there’s a certain experience I’m apparently “supposed “to have.

That it doesn’t matter where I go or what I do, I’ll have that experience. And if I don’t pay attention to it, I’ll have it again.

Everything in my environment will conspire for me to have it.

Until I learn the lesson, laugh at the joke, cry the tears or accept the perspective that life currently seems to want me to play with.

These last 2 weeks were no different.

All winter, Ari and I have been re-watching the series “Lost”, and a particular conversation in the final episode struck me:

Christian: “The most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people [on that island] . That’s why all of you are here.  Nobody does it alone, Jack.  You needed all of them, and they needed you.”

Jack: “For what?”

Christian: “To remember. And to…let go.”

The words struck me because when I stripped them of the storyline, they still rang true.

And they go beyond the (important) reminder to cherish our loved ones.

For example, every single person who worked on this series, is helping me remember. Even though we’ve never physically “met”.

While writing this, I hope my words may do the same for someone.

And that maybe, in the days ahead, the glances you share—with strangers, with loved ones, with anyone really—can spark a moment of remembrance in both of you too.

…but what does it mean to “remember”?

We’ll get to that. For now, let’s back up a little and take a necessary detour.

Giants Who Roam the Realm of Ideas

In Tim Urban’s fantastic book “What’s Our Problem“, he introduces the concept of “giants”.

Which is a useful perspective in and of itself, but it’s also a relevant one to know when reading the rest of this post.

If you’ve read my recent post about levels of distinction, you may remember the example I gave that there are various ways to look at your body.

You can look at your body as one thing. You can look at it as a torso and limbs. You can look at it as a large amount of muscles, all working together coherently. Your bicep is not the same muscle as your quadricep, but they work together to form your body and make it move. You can also look at your body as a society of millions of cells. Some of those cells may not be treating each other very well, but they all work together to make up the body that you walk around with.

In the same sense, you, me, everyone you know—we’re all cells in things that are much bigger than ourselves.

And depending on how much we zoom out, those things may be big or small (just like the cells in our body can be both part of a finger, a hand, and arm, … they belong to all these units).

Humans aren’t just individuals making independent choices. We merge—we build families, companies, nations, religions, political parties, fandoms, subcultures. And when we do, we create something invisible, but very real:

A Giant.

Giants are create when a bunch of smaller things—people, in this case—combine into something that behaves as a single entity.

Even though bees are presumably able to decide to fly to a flower on their own: a beehive isn’t just a pile of bees—it’s a collective intelligence, operating with its own instincts and goals. Ant colonies, wolf packs, and corporations all do this too. They act as one unit, even though they’re made of many individuals.

A human tribe, a nation, a movement, an ideology—all of these are Giants. You can accurately label these things as creatures or entities. Just like animals and trees, they want to survive, grow and reproduce: They have their own instincts, desires, and survival mechanisms.

And here’s the twist: once a Giant forms, it starts shaping the very people inside it too.

Since Giants exist in the realm of concepts and ideas, they don’t have brains of their own.

They need physical brains that believe they are real, otherwise they won’t be real.

And for that, they use yours.

You can compare this to Harry Potter’s existence:

Harry Potter doesn’t have a brain. He’s an idea. He lives in the realm of concepts. But he continues to survive and reproduce, because lives in our brains.

The same is true of human rights, for example. Human rights don’t exist. You can’t physically point at them. But our brains keep them alive.

Still with me?

Great. Giants survive the same way, but they’re a little more alive than harry potter or human rights.

They’re actual entities with identities. Just like the cells in our body “create us”, giants are created by an amalgamation of our collective identities. And just like what happens to our bodies impacts our cells, what happens to a “giant” shapes the people whose identities it is made up of.

What are examples of such entities?

• Swifties
• America
• Millenials
• Christianity
• Democracy
• Communism
• Gender identities

The list is endless. And we’re all part of many giants simultaneously.

But the main thing to understand is that just like you make choices as an individual, giants make choices too.

And since giants use your brain, that means some of your choices will be made by the giants you are a cell in.

In such moment, you may still think think you’re making choices freely, but a lot of what you say, and do is the Giant speaking through you—whether you realize it or not.

Ever notice how certain topics feel off-limits to question?

How groups have unwritten rules about what can and can’t be said?

How people go from rational thinkers to blind, dogmatic defenders of their side and then afterwards turn empathic again?

That’s the Giant at work.

Just like other entities, Giants do whatever it takes to keep themselves alive. And that means convincing us to keep them alive in our mind. For example, by:

• Punishing defection (shame, exclusion, backlash).
• Reward loyalty (social status, acceptance, belonging).
• Telling a story about themselves that makes them seem inevitable and unquestionable (“it’s science, bro!”).

And the scariest part? Most people don’t even notice it happening.

That said, I have found that with time and practice, I can track it in myself and others when a giant is speaking.

The look in our eyes, the tone of our voice and the feeling in our body, all subtly change when it’s the giant speaking.

This all can sound rather scary or predatory, so it’s important to remember that a Giant isn’t necessarily evil or good—it’s just a survival machine. Like a shark. Or an algorithm.

Some Giants genuinely help their members thrive. Other Giants… not so much. They demand obedience. They resist change. They punish anyone who challenges them.

And this is unrelated to whether the giant itself is “evil” or “good” in nature. There are many Giants which are good causes and positive ideals but still do all of the above.

In general, the bigger a Giant gets, the less it tends to care about the people inside it.

• A startup that used to be innovative becomes a burdensome bureaucracy.
• A grassroots movement turns into a rigid, dogmatic ideology.
• A once-thriving culture clings to old ideas, resisting any evolution.

The Giant doesn’t ask, “What’s good for humans?” It asks, “What’s good for me?”

And if keeping itself alive means crushing dissent, it will.

Once again, this is not an inherently evil thing.

I’m sure that if one day your stomach decided to no longer cooperate, you’d do everything you could to get it to perform its duty again (e.g. taking pharmaceuticals that force it function, or numb its pain…not unlike giants do their humans!).

It’s a matter of perspective. The giant does what is good from the giant’s perspective. And that’s a different one from the people in it.

But in a sense, we’re comparing apples to oranges here.

A physical part of you (a stomach) is a very different thing from your identity (an idea) being a part of a collective identity (a giant idea).

So perhaps it would be more accurate to compare it to something else:

Tiny identities that live inside your own.

Little people who see you as the giant.

Parts of Your Identity

Ever been in a situation where you didn’t know for certain what to do?

Who am I kidding? Of course you have.

Notice how, in such a situation, when we speak about it to a friend, we often say things like:

“I’m not sure. Part of me wants to ___, but another part of me wants to ___”

But hold up now…parts of ourselves? We use this language as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. But think about it. Who are these parts we’re referring too?

You guessed it! Tiny little entities that live in the realm of concepts and ideas. Which together, makes up the Giant that you are. (Sorry for calling you fat there, buddy. I love you.)

Welcome to the wonderful world of Parts Work: a therapeutic approach encompassing various methods used by psychologists to explore and integrate different aspects of the self.

In short, these therapeutic modalities (such as IFS, Ego State Therapy, Jungian Psychology, Gestalt therapy) recognize that you are not (just) one simple unified being and instead treats you like a walking group chat.

All jokes aside, turns out that this concept is experientially true for most of us. It’s not that we all suffer from multiple personality disorder, but that our psyche consists of many sub-personalities: A colorful cast of characters—each with its own agenda, fears and coping mechanisms.

Like the giants we’re a part of, our parts have their own survival needs and they work to ensure our survival, because we are their respective giants.

And just like we have roles or functions within the giants we’re a part of (e.g. a job at a company, or playing your part in your friend group), our parts have roles and functions too:

• Some parts are managers, trying to keep your life in order.
• Some are firefighters, jumping in when things feel overwhelming.
• Some are exiled, wounded parts—hiding in the corner, shy and ashamed, longing for acceptance.

In parts work therapy, the therapists will help you have conversations with these parts. Hear how they’re doing. Help them get a long. Find a new function for them that is better for the giant (you) and for their own happiness.

It all sounds quite bizarre until you have a session like this and go “WTF, I have all these parts and I never knew them.”

In an oversimplified sense, there are 3 steps or phases to many methods of parts work:

• Step 1: Notice your parts. See them as they are. Get to know them. (This can often feel like “remembering” 😉
• Step 2: Understand their role. Even if you don’t like what they’re doing. Understand why they’re doing it. (Zooming out a little bit: You may not like what bureaucrats are doing, or the army is doing, but when you understand why, you notice these parts are essential for the Giant’s survival, and you are a part of the giant. The same is true of the parts within you. You may not like what they’re doing, but they’re doing it for you.)
• Step 3: Untangle any messes, work with them to improve the function of your psyche as a whole.

Zooming In and Out

We’ve been on quite a journey with this article so far. We started with a quote from “Lost” about helping each other remember.

Then we explored the idea that we aren’t just individuals, but we’re also part of collective identities which behave as an individual entity and can therefore, aptly be called “Giants”.

Next, we looked at a therapeutic framework that sees you as having “Parts” which form smaller sub-personalities within yours.

I’ve talked before about how zooming in and out in terms of perspective can be advantageous, depending on the situation (both in this post, and this one), well, when it comes to our identity, it’s no different.

The truth is we already do this, we just don’t do it consciously.

Sometimes, we speak on behalf of a giant, sometimes we speak on behalf of our parts, and sometimes about “us” as an individual.

Our identification zooms in and out, and this is most easily recognized when we get triggered.

Sometimes, we feel triggered by something, but what’s really happening is a certain “part” of us get triggered, not all of us.

You can easily recognize this when you hear yourself (or someone else) respond emotionally in a child-like voice. Now they’re not speaking for the “whole” of them. They are speaking for a younger part of them.

They are identified with that part. They act as if they are the part.

That, my friend, is zooming in with our identity.

The opposite can also happen. We may feel triggered by something, but it’s not “us” that was triggered. It’s the trauma of one of our giants: Our gender, our country, our ethnicity, our family, or a subculture we belong to.

If you pay attention, in these cases, we’ll often act as if we ae much bigger and much more powerful than we really are.

We express ourselves as if the other person is but a tiny bug we can squash. Because in that moment, we subconsciously identify as being the giant.

Social media arguments are great opportunities to witness this. But it happens in real life too.

This is what happens when we zoom out with our identity.

Now, a few days ago, I was having a parts work session, and the therapist said something that was a big “a-ha” moment:

“Ever heard of the expression ‘our feelings have feelings too?’ well, our parts have parts too.”

This blew my mind, and we went on an exploration together:

If my body can have biceps and my biceps can have tissues, and my tissues can have cells, then why can’t my parts’ parts’ parts’ parts’ parts’ have parts?

And of course, that would work in the other direction too:

All these different giants are parts of societies, which are parts of the collective of humanity, and humanity is part of the “species” giant, and the species giant is a part of the “nature” giant, and … You get the point.

But think of the implications of this.

It’s no coincidence that the subtitle of Tim Urban’s book (the one where he introduced “giants”) is “A Self-help Book for Societies“. Which begs the question: What would “parts work therapy” for societies look like?

In a sense, the GIants within society are not that different from the parts within ourselves.

For example:

We have political parts that try to protect societies by guarding borders, punishing bad actors, etc. So they don’t get destroyed from the outsides.

And we have other political parts that try to ensure the society stays free and flexible so that I can keep growing and doesn’t get destroyed by those protectors.

This is not unlike what happens when a part of you wants take acid & go dancing while another part of you that knows you’re supposed to work tomorrow. Both of those parts want you to be happy, they just have different means of achieving it, and the challenge is for them to get along. Because if they don’t, you’re not happy either.

Similarly, most political giants want the bigger “society giant” to be happy, and they have different strategies for achieving it.

In parts work therapy, sometimes your parts can literally have a respectful debate with the topic: “What do we all agree we want for our human? And how can we address the concerns of all parts, for the benefit of the human?”

Similarly, political giants, in theory, can have a debate that goes “What do we all agree we want for society? We want it to thrive, be safe, be good for the people in it. Now, how can we address the concerns of all of us giants, for the benefit of the society?”

Then, the societies could, in theory, have a debate and say: “What do we all agree we want for humanity? Now, how can we address the concerns of all of us societies, for the benfit of humanity?”

Notice that I say “in theory”, because the behavior of the giants is as much within our control as the behavior of our body is within our bicep’s control. It’s not. We can only do so much.

So what if you want to be a parts work therapist for your giant, your society, your species?

Well, you could start with this:

What if every time you speak to a representative of another “giant”, you zoom out a little bit?

Instead of speaking from giant to giant, you speak as your society doing parts work with its giants.

Then you zoom back in to your human self and you ask yourself: “What do my giant and their giant agree on? How can we work together to achieve that, for the benefit of the greater whole?”

When 2 giants are at odds (e.g. the “feminism giant” and the “redpill giant”), it can help to go back and think: “What really helps for the conversation when humans are at odds?”

It could start with you, representing your giant, refraining from attacking theirs, and starting with simply listening, hearing, seeing, and acknowledging what their giant feels—even if you don’t agree with it.

That is the first step we can take, if we want the relationship between two giants to heal.

Whenever we don’t remember why we want that to heal, whenever we think another giant is the enemy, we can zoom back out:

We are not a giant fighting an enemy giant. We are a society doing parts work.

And just like your own human life is better when all your parts get along, society’s life is better when its giants get along.

Now, let’s crank it up a notch:

You and Me, To Infinity (and Beyond)

Speaking of parts:

Ever noticed how different friends can bring out different parts of you?

• Every time I see my friend Ward, I remember my playful and creative parts.
• Every time I see my friend Tim, I start to explore the nature of reality with him.
• Every time I see my friend Robertson, I’m confused, because I’ve never had a friend with that name.

Now, the same is true for people you dislike:

• Every time I meet an aggressive salesman, I remember the rude and dismissive part of me.
• Every time a service provider promises something and doesn’t deliver, I remember the part of me that likes to criticize so he can feel better about himself.
• Every time I read about someone consciously harming another person, a part of me awakens that wants to punish them (which, in essence, might be the same thing).

These are all parts of us. And it’s quite fascinating, that certain parts of us only show up with certain people.

What I find even more fascinating, is that sometimes you can meet a person that turns on a certain part of you which you have never experienced before. Yet it doesn’t feel new. It feels like remembering a very important part of yourself that was lost.

So what’s that all about?

Whose parts are they really, if they only exist when we’re together?

I never sit around at home feeling the way I do when I hang out with my friends.

Yet the way I feel around them, does feel like it’s “me”. I’m not changing myself. It’s genuine.

Being with them helps me remember those parts of me.

There’s a quote I read on ART’s Instagram:

“There’s more of me I get to meet by virtue of just being in connection with you … it’s like an infinity symbol going back and forth.”

— Olivia Broughton

I think about this quote a lot. It really captures my experience of being with other people.

And there are many alyers to this. It’s not just that being with you reminds me of parts of me (and that I project disowned parts ofme on to you), it’s that being with you show me parts of me I didn’t know—and sometimes, it’s not at all clear any more which parts are you or which ones are me.

But I’m not talking about us speaking on behalf of ideological giants here. I’m speaking of us being part of what appears to me, to be a greater collective spirit of some kind.

And that meeting each other can feel like “remembering”. Because each of us carries different parts of it.

So when we discover we have parts in common, we “remember” in the sense of feeling that there’s a connection between us. We are not as separate as we sometimes think.

When we discover that the qualities we saw in them were disowned parts of ourselves which we projected on the other, we “remember”.

And when we discover the other person holds a part we didn’t know yet, and we truly allow ourselves to be with that part, we “remember too”.

But when we drop the distinction between all of that and let go. When we sit with each other in full attention, we “remember” without subject.

It’s not that something specific “is remembered” by us. It’s that a “remembrance is happening”.

What exactly we remember is a mystery, but for the purpose of making this post legibile, let’s run with the word “God”.

I never used to like the word, but it’s quite useful, because humans have used it to refer to such mysteries for thousands of years. Feel free to substitute it with your (non-)deity of choice. (Here’s a fun one.)

If we’d go with that idea: That there is a mysterious force, both imminent and transcendant, which animates everything that exists, and gives immutable answers to unanswerable questions, such as:

• What makes your heart beat?
• What makes your lungs breathe?
• What gives you great ideas?
• What’s the “it” when it rains?

…then you could conclude that, zooming out to the highest degree, every time we interact with another person, we are doing “parts work for God”.

Now, whether you believe in a God or not, luckily, isn’t relevant for the sake of this blog post.

The invitation is merely to exploriment with this perspective.

If every time you met another human, you were God meeting another part of herself: How would that change the interaction? What are the implications of this paradigm?

Can We Help Each Other Remember?

I’m very picky with people.

I get along with others easily, but there’s only a small percentage of people I like enough to want them in my life.

To make matters “worse”, I generally know this from the second I meet them.

We don’t need to exchange a single word. The moment we meet each other, I can feel if it’s a yes or a no.

I used to think this was “judging a book by its cover”, but it’s not that. In fact, I’m ignoring all the attractive covers and simply observing how I feel in proximity of this book. And if it doesn’t feel good, why would I spend time reading it? There’s so many amazing books with infinite pages to read.

I’ve questioned a lot whether this was true, but every time I did, I ended up learning much later, way down the line, that my initial feeling was correct.

Now, in my line of work, you could argue that that’s quite a handicap.

After all, I’m teaching people how to connect more deeply with each other. So the very best marketing for me would be to go out there, create deep connections with people, and wait for others to ask: “Wait, how exactly do you do that?”

Ari correctly reminded me of this last week: That I’d benefit from actually talking to a lot of people I usually don’t talk to.

I pondered this a lot, and then I realized that there’s a distinction between “socializing” and “making friends”.

As stupid as it may sound to some of you, I didn’t have this distinction. For me, the whole point of socializing was making friends. But they’re different things entirely.

Hilariously, when I’m hosting Authentic Relating events (or participating in them), I’m not picky at all. I connect with everyone. And yet, the purpose is not to make friends.

So after that conversation, I flipped a switch.

And lo and behold: Suddenly it was very easy to be social and connect with lots of people I wouldn’t want to be friends with it. It wasn’t fake either. The connection was real. I was simply showing up to others the same way I do when I’m in a workshop, rather than only showing up that way to people I want in my life.

The world is full of people who don’t tickle my fancy, and that’s alright.

Every conversation I have with them is still an opportunity for deeper intimacy as whichever greater entity we’re a part of (giants, societies, species, God).

Just as there may be parts of myself I initially don’t like, but then I find the love inside them and we have beautiful interactions: Every other person, whether we like them or not, is an opportunity to do parts work as God. Finding the love in them. Thanking them for the function and role they play in the greater whole.

Going a little bit deeper:

I’ve also come to realize just how great a privilege it is that I get to be picky about people.

Some people say there’s an epidemic of loneliness (though I wouldn’t know how to confirm such a statement), and here I am, having so many opportunities for friendships that I have to say “no” to people who are actually great to be around, I only like them a little less than the friends I already have.

I’m also thinking of how back in tribal societies, we simply had to find a way to get along with the tribe we were born in.

And there’s a real opportunity in that. The parts work was a necessity. It wasn’t like 21st century life where we can basically open friender and swipe until we build a tribe we like.

A tribal woman once told me about how, if a couple in their tribe had issues, they’d lock them in a hut and tell them “don’t come out until you’ve found a way to get along”.

There is some beauty in that. One might wonder “what’s a marriage worth when there exists such a thing as divorce”.

And of course, this is all nuanced as fudge. Abusive relationships are bad. Being trapped in a tribe that mistreats you for being yourself is bad (and, people not adjusting themselves when they’re hurting the tribe is bad too 😉 ).

In the end, it all doesn’t matter so much which system of giants is better. Because right now is when whe live. And right now, things are the way they are.

When people (feel like) they don’t have options, they settle and make the most of it. When we (feel we have), infinite options, we take them for granted and get hit with decision paralysis (or commitment issues).

But the one thing that remains the same throughout all the centuries is that we are part of something bigger which we don’t fully understand.

We spend a lot of effort trying to deduce it or make it make sense (religion, science, philosophy, …) but none of them can really make us remember the same way that seeing the universe in another person’s eyes can…if we let it.

So here’s a simple exploriment to make conversations more meaningful—even the ones you don’t enjoy:

As you look at someone, remember—behind their eyes is a lifetime of experiences, feelings, fantasies and unseen worlds.

Every second with that person is a chance to glimpse a parts of universes you’ve never traversed.

Of infinite shapes and sizes.

Parts of parts of parts, and giants made up of giants made up of giants.

Many of which contain you, and many of which are within you, depending on your present zoom.

Who is really speaking to you now? Behind those mysterious eyes?

To dis-member is to cut off a part of someone.

To re-member is to find back a part of you that was “Lost” and bring it back in to the whole. Whichever whole we’re currently talking about.

(SIDE NOTE: SPOILER ALERTS FROM HERE ON)

In the last season of the aptly titled series “Lost”, all of the main characters live a parallel life next to the main plot.

A sort of alternate reality in which they don’t know each other, and sometimes don’t even trust or like each other.

We eventually find out that his life isn’t real. It’s an imaginary world they have created, so they can help each other “remember…and let go”.

One by one, the characters eventually find each other.

And at some point, something in the interaction—a certain look in each other’s eyes, or a touch—helps them “re-member”.

Who they really are. And how much they’ve loved each other and needed each other.

With the next person you meet…will you re-member?

When your voice is speaking for one of the giants you belong to, and it’s arguing with another person speaking for theirs…can you look into each other’s eyes and help both of your giants remember?

Can you, on behalf of humanity, look in the eyes of other species (dogs, cats, flowers) and help them remember?

Can you stare at the night sky, representing the earth and remember?

Can you re-member for bigger and bigger wholes until there’s no one else to look at?

Until you wake up as God remembering oneself?

I think that’s what Lost’s “Christian Shephard” might have meant when he said “re-member”.

But what about “let go…”

Did you know that there’s a word we frequently use, which means exactly that?

It’s the word for-get.

To re-member…and then to for-get…continuing the cycle of inbreaths and outbreaths.

Because one is not better than the other, and I’ll leave you with that:

May your life inspire reverence in you in every way.

May you experience being an invincible Giant, tiny as an ant, God’s therapist, and sometimes a bicep or a hand.

May your experience of truth, love, freedom and power converge into one, sparking deep ecstasy during random moments of the day.

And aso, remember to take the chicken out of the freezer.

While you forget everything else.