The idea of “not giving a fuck” is often presented in pop culture as a kind of ultimate freedom—feeling unbothered by criticism, expectations, or failures.

But in reality, like so many ideas we humans love to entertain, it’s mostly an illusion—and, in my humble opinion, a harmful one.

This article will explore why that is and offer an alternative perspective. A perspective that, in my experience, leads to the same sense of freedom we crave by minimizing our fuck-giving, but in a way that feels a whole lot better. Both for us and our surroundings.

Because the truth is, if we lived in a world where nobody gave a fuck, we’d be in hell. And we probably wouldn’t live very long either.

Luckily, I believe we do live in a world where most of us give plenty of fucks, we just don’t admit it to ourselves.

My current working theory is:

When people declare “I don’t give a fuck” as an act of liberation, they generally give quite a sizeable fuck. It just morphed from a sad or anxious fuck into a bitter, cynical or dissociated fuck. But it’s still a fuck. And fucks are good. It’s better to give a loving, unattached fuck, than to poop in your neighbor’s mailbox every day because you find it brings you pleasure.

When you truly feel indifferent about something, you don’t spend much time thinking about whether you care or not. So any thought we spend on “not giving a fuck” can be filed as evidence for the case that we do give one.

So why then, do we like to buy into the illusion that we don’t?

Here are some possible reasons:

1. Not giving a fuck can be a form of collapse—a nihilistic “I don’t care” that really means “it all feels too heavy to deal with”. Paradoxically, when we sink into nihilism, it’s often because we care too much. We become so overwhelmed by the weight of it all that shutting down feels like the only option.
2. Not giving a fuck can also be a form of posturing—a rebellious, defiant “I don’t care about anyone” that often masks a deeply compassionate heart. Sometimes, we care so much that it hurts, and rather than face that pain, we build walls of indifference to protect ourselves.
3. This one’s a funny plot twist: not giving a fuck is the archetypal quality of coolness. So if you proudly claim to be a zero-fuck giver… how can you be sure you’re not just trying really hard to be liked?

How to Give a Fuck In a Healthy Way

The thing is, most of us give a fuck about other people—and what they think of us—to some degree. (Unless you’re GG Allin or something, but that doesn’t seem like a more pleasant alternative to me).

But not all fucks are made equal. It’s not necessarily important what you give a fuck about, but how you give the fuck and why you give it.

Which depends on the underlying emotional state you are operating from.

As a fun thought exercise, please humor me in mapping the concept of “giving a fuck” onto David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness.

This will let us explore, in a tongue-in-cheek way, how the meaning of giving (or not giving) a fuck shifts depending on our emotional state:

(Hope Mark Manson doesn’t mind me riffing on his phrase—credit where it’s due!)

Now, whether you’re into David Hawkins level woo woo or not, I do think there’s something to be gained from this as an exploration.

To me, there seem to to be 4 clear stages we go through with the fucks we give:

1. Low-integrity Fuck-giving

Depending our emotion, we fluctuate between giving a dangerous destructive fuck, and giving a fuck as a form of self-denial. In the latter case, we limit our own authenticity and freedom by valuing other people’s opinions over ours. In the former, their experience means nothing to us. Whichever state we are in, low-integrity fuck-giving always leads to someone being damned.

(In the above map this mindset roughly correlates with the levels from shame to pride.)

2. Liberation Through a Lack of Fuck-giving

This is when we realize we were giving other people’s opinions too much weight. It feels like a great relief not to care so much. And we may experience a surge of energy of vitality as a result.

(In the above map this is the level of courage). It’s often seen as an end destination. But in reality, we’re only halfway.

3. High-integrity Fuck-giving

In this stage, we give more fucks than we’ve ever given. And that’s a good thing. We are aware of the impact our actions can make on others and take responsibility without overreach. We recognize that other people’s opinions of us matter to a degree, and may even inform us of blindspots we have.  We are aware that when other people project stuff on us, that doesn’t necessarily mean the projection can’t contain a grain of truth. And we clearly differentiate between their projections and the parts of us that triggered them.

(In the above map, this mindset roughly correlates with the levels from neutrality to reason.)

4. Intrinsic Fuck-giving

In this 4th stage, fucks are given for their own sake.  In fact,  “fuck” doesn’t seem like the appropriate word anymore. I guess you could call it “making love”.  It’s not so much that you actually give a fuck, it’s that the fucks naturally emanate from your being. Because making love is essentially what you are. There’s not that much of a difference between how it feels to give a fuck or receive one because the fuck is already omnipresent. People just are. And you love them.

(In the above map, this roughly correlates with the levels from love to enlightenment. Not that I have much experience with enlightenment. But let a guy theorize from time to time 😉 )

Looking at these 4 stages, you could argue that all the fucks which are given in stage 1 aren’t about other people at all. They’re about survival, escaping suffering, and the way we perceive ourselves and others as it relates to those.

So the moment in stage 2 where we think we finally mastered the subtle art of not giving a fuck, is actually the “stage 0” which precedes the first real fuck being given.

When our concerns are no longer dominated by our own suffering, we finally have the capacity to care about something else.

And I’ve come to believe this genuine care for others and how they experience us (without it being at the expense of our own integrity), is an essential part of what makes us thrive. Both as individuals and as a society.

Reframing Shame and the “Not Good Enough” Story

The “maybe I’m not good enough” belief is so common that I’m wondering if, despite being deeply painful, it could have some evolutionary benefit for us.

Here’s what that might look like:

As kids we are dependent. When it comes to survival we are objectively not good enough.

The only way we can survive is by inspiring adults to help us. So in that situation, the meaning of “good enough” changes from “good enough for life” to “good enough for love”.

When they take care of us, we are good enough. When they don’t—or threaten not to—we are not.

It’s normal that there will be moments, even with the best parents, in which we feel helpless and overwhelmed. For example, when we need something and the adults can’t hear us.

And as long as we are dependent, whatever the adults scold us for can be associated to the belief. As in:

“When I do this, I am not good enough. Because it makes the adults disapprove of me. And without them, I’d die.”

Eventually we (ideally) grow into capable adults who can survive many situations on our own.

So you may wonder, what’s the point of carrying the shame related to those childhood experiences—even when we know our survival no longer depends on our caretakers?

While we can survive many situations on our own, most individual humans wouldn’t thrive in the wild for long.

We do need each other. We aren’t always good enough alone. When our legs are broken or we get ill, we need someone to take care of us.

When our survival depends on shelter, fire and food and leaving our camp would mean leaving it vulnerable to predators, we need someone to collaborate with.

This has nothing to do with inherent “worth” or “deserving” , because those are abstract concepts we create about ourselves. It has to do with physical limitations. We all need each other. And shame may be our best shot at figuring out how to behave in a way that ensures the people we’re surrounded with continue to want us to survive too. For better or worse.

Even as strong, capable adults, love is linked to survival.

And our bones remember the moments when we were left alone and wondering if it meant we weren’t good enough for love.

As painful as it is, continuously inquiring “Am I good enough?” can help us stay humble and realize we need others.

It’s a good question to ask.

It’s perhaps the question to ask when you’re a human surviving in a complex society on a planet which poses many threats to our species.

However, it can also be a toxic belief. When it’s felt as a sense of not having inherent worth. And believing we need to be useful or to submit to others.

Still, I think we shouldn’t demonize its essence (in fact, that would be adding shame to shame).

I deeply believe that all of us are good enough for love.

So how can we take the “Am I good enough?” question and turn it into something that feels more loving?

How can we alchemize it in a way that harvests the best it has to offer, without the loss of self-esteem?

Can we turn it into one that is a loving calibration mechanism to benefit ourselves and everyone around us (by helping us move from low-integrity fuck-giving to high-integrity or even inherent fuck-giving)?

I think a first step would be to see that shame is not at odds with self-love at all.

In fact, wat shame is trying to do is not to stop us from loving ourselves.

It wants us to be loved as much as possible, and to stay alive.

It wants to move us to social coherence and sustainable relationships with others.

But it’s so committed to this goal that it it will do so even at the expense of our relationship with ourselves.

If we recognize this, we can spot the belief and rephrase it into what it really wants for us:

Rather than: “Am I inherently good enough to be deserving of love?”, we can hear shame : “Is my behavior good for myself and others? Does it balance our collective needs, boundaries and concerns? Am I being good in the way that, if everyone was good like me, we’d all be better off?”

Note that these questions aren’t  about your essence as a person, but about your behavior and intentions. How do they impact your surroundings? The very surroundings which, you too, depend on for your survival? Because none of us can do this alone for a lifetime.

What if shame is an emotion meant to help us navigate the tension between the group and the individual, to find balance between honoring self and other?

Can we allow this feeling to arise in use and let it move us? Help us dance to the rhythm of this tension and make it a wedding dance rather than a constant source of conflict?

When you first realize parts of you were suppressed to please others, it can seem like authenticity and giving a fuck are opposites.

But they’re not.

You can care about how you impact others while remaining fully free to be you.

Connection happens where both come together.

So I believe that giving more loving fucks could benefit us all.

In fact, I believe, that as we move through the stages of fuck-giving, eventually there ceases to be a difference between what we initially perceived as opposites.

Our fucks are no longer given about specific things, they’re just given.

And instead of thinking that giving too many fucks tank our self-worth, I’ve come to see that, at least for me, self-worth is what causes me to give the fucks in the first place.

How to Play with This Perspective

1. Use This Article to Orient Yourself

Take the 2 frameworks I shared in this post (the map of consciousness as it relates to fuck-giving, and the 4 stages of fuck-giving) and use them as a general reference framework: Where am I at with this topic? Where do I feel called to go next?

2. Practice Self-compassion

When we feel shame (or anything that falls under the first stage of fuck-giving), we lose awareness of love. It can feel like love is separate from us in that moment. But if we can find a way to embrace ourselves and our experience, by meeting what is happening with love, we eventually find a way back to it.

Mettā meditation can be a useful tool for this too. Especially helps with experiencing the connection between self-love and love for others.

3. Try Authentic Relating / Circling

I find the core practices of Authentic Relating (as outlined by ART International conducive to getting an embodied sense of what this article talks about.

I’m giving free workshops on this topic every week where we learn it through games and exercises. You can find them here: https://www.peptalksblog.com/events/

4. Further Reading

I wrote a book which is all about embracing yourself as you are and living from that place. It doesn’t talk about the giving of fucks in any way. It’s all about the relationship to yourself. But I do believe, that reading this book can result in self-compassion. And that self-compassion paves the road to intrinsic fuck-giving.

You can get it here on Kindle or Paperback..